Bag of Hammers 2008

Hello Hammers,

We are all signed up and ready to go. We will be playing on Thursday evenings (Sunday didn't work out). Weather permitting, the season will start in less than a month. The rule seem to be pretty much the same as last year, although they have added a spicy "(de)Merit Point" system whereby the league can dock teams merit points for defaults, poor spirit reports, etc., with the end of year result possibly impacting that team's ability to return in subsequent years. They call it the XXX Rule. Looks like we will have to keep changing names.

The current confirmed roster is as follows:

Guys:

Paul "Hands" Gorman - a handshake from him is more immasculating than getting chewed out on the field by your wife, although they are admittedly close. He could catch everything if he wasn't so worried about showing up our opponents.

Ivan "Macbeth" Rapchuk - a nickname with an admittedly complicated origin. The apparent homage to the first scene of the play in which the three witches huddle over the prophetic bubbling cauldron is in fact a red herring as Ivan is often mispercieved to be just such a bubbling cauldron, ready to boil over violently at any moment. In truth, the name reflects the fact that it is Ivan's wife who is secretly behind all of his evil deeds. If his body holds up he will outplay all of us.

Adam "Eve" Lockhart - In contrast, is fully responsible for all his sins, original and otherwise. On the field he relies on height and sass in equal measure.

Chad "Sevens" Evans - sevens are lucky and cool, not unlike Chad. They also rhyme with Evans, which is a total coincidence.

Aaron "Double-A" Muise - tireless and speedy. Also referred to as "Crystal Ball", as his pre-game attitude foreshadows the outcome of the game, kind of like the first few minutes of the Matrix when the supporting cast keeps making battery references to Neo but we don't know what it means, and then when we find out we think to ourselves, cool concept, but that "coppertop" thing was stupid.

Timmy "Triple T-ReXXX" Roberts - to my mind the image of our current team's predecessor, XXX. A cagey veteran, he is the half-drunk guy swearing good-naturedly at himself as he barrels downfield for the long pass. Aim lower than you think though, he has the arms of a much shorter man

Ryan "The Axe" McKim - a new addition, so named because he works in forestry but also because it sort of sounds like a superhero. Ryan is best known for running the Bluenose marathon (his first) in about 20 minutes, waiting around healing the sick and wounded and solving crimes and such until his now wife hobbled across the finish line, whereupon he carried her across town to their hotel, where he no doubt took the stairs.

Jason "Layout" Calder - returning after a year of rehabilitation, but like Rocky's decision to ignore his doctors advice and risk blindness to defend his honour against Apollo Creed, no physiotherapist is going to tell Layout he can't lay out.

Ladies:

Chantelle "Pez" Rapchuk - one of the top female players in the league until her practice schedule was disrupted when she started popping kids out like a Pez dispenser. The name works on many levels, as she is also exceedingly sweet like the candy, although she is admittedly aided in that characteristic by using Ivan as a human vent for all of her negative energy.

Tonya "KaPow" Knopp - so named because she is so explosive on the field, both with bursts of speed and fits of rage. Also so named because we must never forget to pronounce the "K" in her name.

Jacqueline "Admiral" Scott - recent breeding efforts have reduced her overall hate quotient immeasurably, but on the field there is never any doubt that this captain has a boss.

Jennifer "Margaret" Scott - why have a middle name if you aren't going to use it from time to time. Marge is fine. She is a brand new woman since breeding in the off-season. She will be at least as good as last year, but milkier.

Jill "the Hobbler" McKim - see Ryan's bio regarding this new addition. In fairness, she seldom hobbles these days, and is actually quite fleet-footed. Sounds kind of superheroesque as well, although "Axe and Hobbler" sounds more like a british pub than a crime-fighting duo. Consider this one a work in progress.

Tamara "Triple-A" Muise - possessed of all of that Muise energy and drive. She is unencumbered by an appendix this season, so we expect even bigger and better things.

Wendy "The Shuttle" Schulte - A great though relatively recent addition. Wicked fast, and one of the good spirit leaders of the team.

Sara "Fakester" Sullivan - always throws forehan...she's going backha......HAMMER! Oh wait...


Those of you possessed of rudimentary math skills will note that if everyone shows up we will have in excess of two full lines of both genders. Fortunately, that never happens. I have erred on the side of high numbers this year out of a reluctance to turn anyone down, and fatigue at how often I was scraping to put a team together last season. The good news is that the player portion of the team fee will be reduced accordingly. Your player fees (payable individually online) are once again $25 for the year (every season, should you wish), and your portion of our team fee payable to me will be $30 this year ($500/17 with a 59 cent tip to the captain for financing the effort). You can, and indeed are encouraged, to sign up immediately on www.halifaxultimate.ca. Our team code is 2358109, which you will enter in the Thursday REC box on the player registration form.

There has been talk of new uniforms. Eve is pricing out the options. If you have objections to that additional expense, please let me know.

Get training.

xo.

-Derek