The less said about last night's game, the better.
It's enough to merely note that when a Bag of Hammers takes on a bag of douches, the douchebags come out on top.
Cunts.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Epic Collapse
The following is dedicated to the memory of the late Estelle Getty.
Picture it, Mississauga, 1991, a young baseball player, having returned to organized baseball after a 12 year hiatus, stood in the on-deck circle. "Bunt", suggested the clipboard toting assistant coach. Having witnessed the young player's strategy of calling his shot to the left-field bleachers and then adopting a batting stance so compressed as to guarantee a walk, the coach decided that measures needed to be taken to put the ball in play for once. The player nodded knowingly, and at that moment, fully intended to comply. He strode to the plate, dug in, and awaited the first pitch.
It is impossible to determine when during that short trip the player lost all recollection of the exchange, but despite at least three good strikes in the mix, narry a bunt attempt was made. Dejected, the player returned to the bench and noticed a confused and almost hurt expression on the coach's face. Later that night during a wakeful moment in bed, he remembered why. Oh yeah - bunt.
It was a theme that would repeat itself on countless occasions thereafter. Uncoachable. I regret that you all witnessed it last night, as I called for the zone, accepted a role in the cup, and then promptly adopted an unusually tight man-to-man coverage on the first opponent to cross my path. Useless.
Anyway, like AA, I blame myself. When their jerk girl started spouting off about some imaginary preceding point that justified granting her teammate a large step forward into the end zone, I recalled a discussion at the captain's meeting about the importance of bringing a quick end to stupid rule debates. Up by several points as we were, it seemed the most reasonable course was to concede the point. Little did I know that was precisely the encouragement they needed to bring their game together, while simultaniously leaving us feeling correspondingly discouraged. Good spirit move, perhaps, but lamentable in retrospect.
I took heart this morning when I saw AA's pictures. At least in stills I look vaguely like I know what I am doing, and I take heart in the fact that we are by great lengths the most attractive team in the league. We shall get them next time.
See you all at the rediculously late game on Thursday. We shall have our vengeance.
XXXo.
Picture it, Mississauga, 1991, a young baseball player, having returned to organized baseball after a 12 year hiatus, stood in the on-deck circle. "Bunt", suggested the clipboard toting assistant coach. Having witnessed the young player's strategy of calling his shot to the left-field bleachers and then adopting a batting stance so compressed as to guarantee a walk, the coach decided that measures needed to be taken to put the ball in play for once. The player nodded knowingly, and at that moment, fully intended to comply. He strode to the plate, dug in, and awaited the first pitch.
It is impossible to determine when during that short trip the player lost all recollection of the exchange, but despite at least three good strikes in the mix, narry a bunt attempt was made. Dejected, the player returned to the bench and noticed a confused and almost hurt expression on the coach's face. Later that night during a wakeful moment in bed, he remembered why. Oh yeah - bunt.
It was a theme that would repeat itself on countless occasions thereafter. Uncoachable. I regret that you all witnessed it last night, as I called for the zone, accepted a role in the cup, and then promptly adopted an unusually tight man-to-man coverage on the first opponent to cross my path. Useless.
Anyway, like AA, I blame myself. When their jerk girl started spouting off about some imaginary preceding point that justified granting her teammate a large step forward into the end zone, I recalled a discussion at the captain's meeting about the importance of bringing a quick end to stupid rule debates. Up by several points as we were, it seemed the most reasonable course was to concede the point. Little did I know that was precisely the encouragement they needed to bring their game together, while simultaniously leaving us feeling correspondingly discouraged. Good spirit move, perhaps, but lamentable in retrospect.
I took heart this morning when I saw AA's pictures. At least in stills I look vaguely like I know what I am doing, and I take heart in the fact that we are by great lengths the most attractive team in the league. We shall get them next time.
See you all at the rediculously late game on Thursday. We shall have our vengeance.
XXXo.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Here, My Dear: Hammers In Action
Fellow Hammers, please accept these photos as an apology for my part in tonight's epic collapse.
Sincerely,
AA
Sincerely,
AA
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Monday the 28th - Rescheduled game
Hello Hammers,
This is my first blog. I don't want to type much for fear I have done it incorrectly. In any event, I felt bad for the work that AA was putting into this while getting little or nothing back. Good work AA.
The game scheduled for Monday has been rescheduled to the following Monday (28th) at the same time and same chewed up field. Methinks if the weather reports are to be believed, that will be our next game.
xo.
This is my first blog. I don't want to type much for fear I have done it incorrectly. In any event, I felt bad for the work that AA was putting into this while getting little or nothing back. Good work AA.
The game scheduled for Monday has been rescheduled to the following Monday (28th) at the same time and same chewed up field. Methinks if the weather reports are to be believed, that will be our next game.
xo.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Game Off
"As of: Monday, July 21, 2008 at 2:27 PM - All ball diamonds and sport fields are CLOSED for play today."
D'oh.
See y'all Thursday I hope.
D'oh.
See y'all Thursday I hope.
Friday, July 18, 2008
BBQ at the Rapchuck's
This could use its own post...
Chantelle: "BBQ at our place this Sunday July 20 anytime after 5pm(17:00). We will supply the dogs and burgs and all the fixing that go along with those. Please feel free to bring along any beverages and let me know if you can make it!!!!"
-AA
Chantelle: "BBQ at our place this Sunday July 20 anytime after 5pm(17:00). We will supply the dogs and burgs and all the fixing that go along with those. Please feel free to bring along any beverages and let me know if you can make it!!!!"
-AA
Department of Redundancy Department
Hey team.
I realize you've all read this through email but I feel that this blog is being woefully underused, so here is the post-game report from our fearless captain: "Great work out there tonight. I think we all dialed it down a little bit in light of our adversary's limited talent. It gave us a chance to work on some fundamentals, like how to recover from dropped dump passes on the goal line. Everyone got a hand on the frisbee tonight, which I think is a step in the right direction. Hydrate."
I would also like to add a comment about that chubby dude with "Costanza breasts" (thanks Ryan) who wore camouflage underwear on his head and ran around making "Three Stooges" noises all game... whatsupwithat!?
Speaking of regretful decisions, the following was revealed over post-game beers at Freeman's:
- Adam "Eve" Lockhart and Ryan McKim both shamelessly rocked the mullet back in high school, and in Ryan's case, university...
- Conversely, Tim "T-Rex" Roberts and myself both rocked that whole "racing stripes shaved into the side of our head" look, fittingly popularized by the Hammer himself. While I consider this to be the "anti-mullet", that does not make it any less embarrassing - especially when complimented with a Stitches silk shirt and billowing jogging pants. Junior High on the Eastern Shore was not kind...
- Grasping the concept of irony at an early age, T-Rex also sported a Mr. T look for a class photo (recall that Tim is a skinny white dude), thereby immortalizing his love of both irony and the A-Team forevermore...
Also:
- The Freeman's large donair is only marginally bigger than the small...
- Draft beer do come in "small"...
- And, a reminder that the Rapchuck's are offering up their home for a BBQ this Sunday. Quothe Chantelle: "BBQ at our place this Sunday July 20 anytime after 5pm(17:00). We will supply the dogs and burgs and all the fixing that go along with those. Please feel free to bring along any beverages and let me know if you can make it!!!!"
Now here is footage of a douchbag trying to operate a jet ski in a hot-tub.
See you Monday, and do not fear the blog,
-AA
I realize you've all read this through email but I feel that this blog is being woefully underused, so here is the post-game report from our fearless captain: "Great work out there tonight. I think we all dialed it down a little bit in light of our adversary's limited talent. It gave us a chance to work on some fundamentals, like how to recover from dropped dump passes on the goal line. Everyone got a hand on the frisbee tonight, which I think is a step in the right direction. Hydrate."
I would also like to add a comment about that chubby dude with "Costanza breasts" (thanks Ryan) who wore camouflage underwear on his head and ran around making "Three Stooges" noises all game... whatsupwithat!?
Speaking of regretful decisions, the following was revealed over post-game beers at Freeman's:
- Adam "Eve" Lockhart and Ryan McKim both shamelessly rocked the mullet back in high school, and in Ryan's case, university...
- Conversely, Tim "T-Rex" Roberts and myself both rocked that whole "racing stripes shaved into the side of our head" look, fittingly popularized by the Hammer himself. While I consider this to be the "anti-mullet", that does not make it any less embarrassing - especially when complimented with a Stitches silk shirt and billowing jogging pants. Junior High on the Eastern Shore was not kind...
- Grasping the concept of irony at an early age, T-Rex also sported a Mr. T look for a class photo (recall that Tim is a skinny white dude), thereby immortalizing his love of both irony and the A-Team forevermore...
Also:
- The Freeman's large donair is only marginally bigger than the small...
- Draft beer do come in "small"...
- And, a reminder that the Rapchuck's are offering up their home for a BBQ this Sunday. Quothe Chantelle: "BBQ at our place this Sunday July 20 anytime after 5pm(17:00). We will supply the dogs and burgs and all the fixing that go along with those. Please feel free to bring along any beverages and let me know if you can make it!!!!"
Now here is footage of a douchbag trying to operate a jet ski in a hot-tub.
See you Monday, and do not fear the blog,
-AA
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Friday, July 4, 2008
It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times...
Greetings Hammers!
I strode to work this morning with a raincoat on my back and an umbrella in my hand, based on CBC Radio's (baseless) prediction of rain & thunderstorms for the afternoon. As the noon-time cannon roared over Halifax's downtown, I began to believe. "Tim," I said to myself, "I believe you shall achieve stardom tonight on the field of battle." Sara's celebratory e-mail regarding HRM's decision to allow play confirmed it: tonight was ripe for victory.
The good news: the Bag o' Hammers posted their most respectable score of the season, reaching double-digits before succumbing to a more energetic opponent.
The bad news: our opponents were high schoolers. Except for the two svengalis on their team. Oh, and that 13-year old isn't in high school either, I'm pretty sure.
The mighty Hammers had momentum on more than one occasion, but we fell a point or two shy of achieving greatness. It didn't help that our opponents' parents enforced a strict end-of-game-time due to bedtimes, curfews and the like.
Lest I delve too deeply on the negative, however, let me emphasize these three points: the sun shone during the entirety of the game on an otherwise foggy day, we scored more points than we posted in our first two games combined, and we celebrated the return to action of Ivan Rapchuk, the prodigal son of the Halifax ultimate scene. And without further ado, tonight's three stars:
1. Ivan "I haven't played in two years and I'm bringing my two young sons to the game to underline that point" Rapchuk.
Ivan bemoaned his rust throughout the game, but a quick gander at the (fictional) scoresheet shows that he was directly involved in 90 percent-plus of our points, if not every single one. A voice of reason on an otherwise chaotic field ("WHO are you talking about?!?" I can hear Chantelle asking aloud), Ivan was a man among boys tonight. Well, I guess literally speaking, all of our males were, given the pubescence of our opponents, but you know what I mean. Ivan, it was great to have you back, here's hoping for a regular turnout this season.
2. Wendy "if that redhead doesn't shut the f*ck up I'm going to stomp on her face" Schulte
As usual, Wendy provided her stellar display of athleticism on both ends of the field. Sharp cuts, tight defence... it's what we've all come to expect in our quiet friend. But Wendy's star turn this evening arose from her mark's inadvertant bump of the disc off the frame of Wendy's sunglasses. Wendy, not being a f*cking pansy, decided there was no harm and thusly maintained her stall count. Her opponent, however, reacted as though she'd slashed Wendy's jugular with a dull shiv. Apologies flew forth and far too much hugging ensued (entirely from the demon redhead). As play resumed, said redhead then had the temerity to question Wendy's stall count, which she felt had stopped as soon as the disc glanced of Wendy's shades. Wendy assured her she was all right, and I have no doubt that was the case - but the contemptous tone in her voice and look on her face was enough to make me say "There's someone who I don't want to piss off... ever."
3. Adam "I almost erased all positive memories of the game with my asinine performance at the bar" Lockhart.
Adam, it must be said, played very well tonight on both sides of the disc (though his offensive numbers were inflated by his decision to call off Wendy on an end zone toss headed straight for her hands... a throw he barely caught fully-extended as his poor hamstrings audibly cried for mercy). As we left the field, there was no doubting Adam was a main reason we scored in double-digits for the first time in '08. During the post-game at Freeman's, however, he nearly undid the positives by asking the waitress "Which draughts come in small?" Some would say he is to be commended for his concern about driving post-consumption of alcohol. Others (myself among them) would call him an idiot. The waitress, thankfully, sided with me: "They all do," she calmly replied with smirk on face, "I just pour less of it if you order a small."
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I shall attend Bag o' Hammers games as long as I am able. We may not win, but we're always capable of entertainment that exceeds what you'd find elsewhere on a Halifax Thursday night.
Until next week,
Tim
3.
I strode to work this morning with a raincoat on my back and an umbrella in my hand, based on CBC Radio's (baseless) prediction of rain & thunderstorms for the afternoon. As the noon-time cannon roared over Halifax's downtown, I began to believe. "Tim," I said to myself, "I believe you shall achieve stardom tonight on the field of battle." Sara's celebratory e-mail regarding HRM's decision to allow play confirmed it: tonight was ripe for victory.
The good news: the Bag o' Hammers posted their most respectable score of the season, reaching double-digits before succumbing to a more energetic opponent.
The bad news: our opponents were high schoolers. Except for the two svengalis on their team. Oh, and that 13-year old isn't in high school either, I'm pretty sure.
The mighty Hammers had momentum on more than one occasion, but we fell a point or two shy of achieving greatness. It didn't help that our opponents' parents enforced a strict end-of-game-time due to bedtimes, curfews and the like.
Lest I delve too deeply on the negative, however, let me emphasize these three points: the sun shone during the entirety of the game on an otherwise foggy day, we scored more points than we posted in our first two games combined, and we celebrated the return to action of Ivan Rapchuk, the prodigal son of the Halifax ultimate scene. And without further ado, tonight's three stars:
1. Ivan "I haven't played in two years and I'm bringing my two young sons to the game to underline that point" Rapchuk.
Ivan bemoaned his rust throughout the game, but a quick gander at the (fictional) scoresheet shows that he was directly involved in 90 percent-plus of our points, if not every single one. A voice of reason on an otherwise chaotic field ("WHO are you talking about?!?" I can hear Chantelle asking aloud), Ivan was a man among boys tonight. Well, I guess literally speaking, all of our males were, given the pubescence of our opponents, but you know what I mean. Ivan, it was great to have you back, here's hoping for a regular turnout this season.
2. Wendy "if that redhead doesn't shut the f*ck up I'm going to stomp on her face" Schulte
As usual, Wendy provided her stellar display of athleticism on both ends of the field. Sharp cuts, tight defence... it's what we've all come to expect in our quiet friend. But Wendy's star turn this evening arose from her mark's inadvertant bump of the disc off the frame of Wendy's sunglasses. Wendy, not being a f*cking pansy, decided there was no harm and thusly maintained her stall count. Her opponent, however, reacted as though she'd slashed Wendy's jugular with a dull shiv. Apologies flew forth and far too much hugging ensued (entirely from the demon redhead). As play resumed, said redhead then had the temerity to question Wendy's stall count, which she felt had stopped as soon as the disc glanced of Wendy's shades. Wendy assured her she was all right, and I have no doubt that was the case - but the contemptous tone in her voice and look on her face was enough to make me say "There's someone who I don't want to piss off... ever."
3. Adam "I almost erased all positive memories of the game with my asinine performance at the bar" Lockhart.
Adam, it must be said, played very well tonight on both sides of the disc (though his offensive numbers were inflated by his decision to call off Wendy on an end zone toss headed straight for her hands... a throw he barely caught fully-extended as his poor hamstrings audibly cried for mercy). As we left the field, there was no doubting Adam was a main reason we scored in double-digits for the first time in '08. During the post-game at Freeman's, however, he nearly undid the positives by asking the waitress "Which draughts come in small?" Some would say he is to be commended for his concern about driving post-consumption of alcohol. Others (myself among them) would call him an idiot. The waitress, thankfully, sided with me: "They all do," she calmly replied with smirk on face, "I just pour less of it if you order a small."
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I shall attend Bag o' Hammers games as long as I am able. We may not win, but we're always capable of entertainment that exceeds what you'd find elsewhere on a Halifax Thursday night.
Until next week,
Tim
3.
Game Two - Post -mortem
Hello Hammers,
I think my favourite part of last night's game was the beginning. It was great to put the coals to a team for a few minutes like the old days. 4-1 felt awesome. Their 7 unanswered points left me feeling shaken but still optimistic at half. By 4-12 I just wanted to score with a long hammer, learning to my dismay that I can't throw those anymore.
Anyhoo, the good news is that we are still 0-0 in our division, as our two games have been against teams more properly assigned to higher tiers. Considering our performance I am feeling pretty good about being .500.
Next Thursday we play at 6:15 at the Bay Road field. Jacq and I will be in Cape Breton. Considering how thoroughly I have lived up to my nickname "DL" (Defensive Liability) this year, I predict a victory. It would be great if Ivan and/or Ryan could make an appearance this week; like a team of Bonnie Tylers, we seem to be holding out for a hero.
Eve expects to have the jerseys for the newbies and returningbies by next week. Perhaps he could disseminate the cost prior to the game. Those of you who have yet to bring your $33 team fee are invited to do so next week and provide it to Jennifer, the team's treasurer.
Good luck Hammers. We will get better.
XXXo.
-Derek
I think my favourite part of last night's game was the beginning. It was great to put the coals to a team for a few minutes like the old days. 4-1 felt awesome. Their 7 unanswered points left me feeling shaken but still optimistic at half. By 4-12 I just wanted to score with a long hammer, learning to my dismay that I can't throw those anymore.
Anyhoo, the good news is that we are still 0-0 in our division, as our two games have been against teams more properly assigned to higher tiers. Considering our performance I am feeling pretty good about being .500.
Next Thursday we play at 6:15 at the Bay Road field. Jacq and I will be in Cape Breton. Considering how thoroughly I have lived up to my nickname "DL" (Defensive Liability) this year, I predict a victory. It would be great if Ivan and/or Ryan could make an appearance this week; like a team of Bonnie Tylers, we seem to be holding out for a hero.
Eve expects to have the jerseys for the newbies and returningbies by next week. Perhaps he could disseminate the cost prior to the game. Those of you who have yet to bring your $33 team fee are invited to do so next week and provide it to Jennifer, the team's treasurer.
Good luck Hammers. We will get better.
XXXo.
-Derek
Game One
Hello all,
It was nice to see the team out again tonight, so nice that I forgot everything I know about frisbee. I think the common theme running through all of our on field discussions tonight was that a practice is required in the near future. I regret the late notice on the last one. I think if we just got together for an hour to run some simple drills and discuss fundamentals, there is an outside chance that we will play as though we know what we are doing. I am terrible at being coached and even worse at coaching, but I hope to get by on a little help from my friends.
I am hoping for a later game next week so maybe we can have a practice for an hour before. Failing that, maybe a bit more notice on another night.
I also plan to take better care of myself. Do the same for yourselves. You deserve it.
Thanks to those who paid (Wendy, Chanya, Adam, Aaron, Jenn, Timmy and Jason, albeit with an I.O.U.). If you paid but I forgot you, let me know. I may have lost your cheque.
Sleep well.
XXXo.
-Derek
It was nice to see the team out again tonight, so nice that I forgot everything I know about frisbee. I think the common theme running through all of our on field discussions tonight was that a practice is required in the near future. I regret the late notice on the last one. I think if we just got together for an hour to run some simple drills and discuss fundamentals, there is an outside chance that we will play as though we know what we are doing. I am terrible at being coached and even worse at coaching, but I hope to get by on a little help from my friends.
I am hoping for a later game next week so maybe we can have a practice for an hour before. Failing that, maybe a bit more notice on another night.
I also plan to take better care of myself. Do the same for yourselves. You deserve it.
Thanks to those who paid (Wendy, Chanya, Adam, Aaron, Jenn, Timmy and Jason, albeit with an I.O.U.). If you paid but I forgot you, let me know. I may have lost your cheque.
Sleep well.
XXXo.
-Derek
Bag of Hammers 2008
Hello Hammers,
We are all signed up and ready to go. We will be playing on Thursday evenings (Sunday didn't work out). Weather permitting, the season will start in less than a month. The rule seem to be pretty much the same as last year, although they have added a spicy "(de)Merit Point" system whereby the league can dock teams merit points for defaults, poor spirit reports, etc., with the end of year result possibly impacting that team's ability to return in subsequent years. They call it the XXX Rule. Looks like we will have to keep changing names.
The current confirmed roster is as follows:
Guys:
Paul "Hands" Gorman - a handshake from him is more immasculating than getting chewed out on the field by your wife, although they are admittedly close. He could catch everything if he wasn't so worried about showing up our opponents.
Ivan "Macbeth" Rapchuk - a nickname with an admittedly complicated origin. The apparent homage to the first scene of the play in which the three witches huddle over the prophetic bubbling cauldron is in fact a red herring as Ivan is often mispercieved to be just such a bubbling cauldron, ready to boil over violently at any moment. In truth, the name reflects the fact that it is Ivan's wife who is secretly behind all of his evil deeds. If his body holds up he will outplay all of us.
Adam "Eve" Lockhart - In contrast, is fully responsible for all his sins, original and otherwise. On the field he relies on height and sass in equal measure.
Chad "Sevens" Evans - sevens are lucky and cool, not unlike Chad. They also rhyme with Evans, which is a total coincidence.
Aaron "Double-A" Muise - tireless and speedy. Also referred to as "Crystal Ball", as his pre-game attitude foreshadows the outcome of the game, kind of like the first few minutes of the Matrix when the supporting cast keeps making battery references to Neo but we don't know what it means, and then when we find out we think to ourselves, cool concept, but that "coppertop" thing was stupid.
Timmy "Triple T-ReXXX" Roberts - to my mind the image of our current team's predecessor, XXX. A cagey veteran, he is the half-drunk guy swearing good-naturedly at himself as he barrels downfield for the long pass. Aim lower than you think though, he has the arms of a much shorter man
Ryan "The Axe" McKim - a new addition, so named because he works in forestry but also because it sort of sounds like a superhero. Ryan is best known for running the Bluenose marathon (his first) in about 20 minutes, waiting around healing the sick and wounded and solving crimes and such until his now wife hobbled across the finish line, whereupon he carried her across town to their hotel, where he no doubt took the stairs.
Jason "Layout" Calder - returning after a year of rehabilitation, but like Rocky's decision to ignore his doctors advice and risk blindness to defend his honour against Apollo Creed, no physiotherapist is going to tell Layout he can't lay out.
Ladies:
Chantelle "Pez" Rapchuk - one of the top female players in the league until her practice schedule was disrupted when she started popping kids out like a Pez dispenser. The name works on many levels, as she is also exceedingly sweet like the candy, although she is admittedly aided in that characteristic by using Ivan as a human vent for all of her negative energy.
Tonya "KaPow" Knopp - so named because she is so explosive on the field, both with bursts of speed and fits of rage. Also so named because we must never forget to pronounce the "K" in her name.
Jacqueline "Admiral" Scott - recent breeding efforts have reduced her overall hate quotient immeasurably, but on the field there is never any doubt that this captain has a boss.
Jennifer "Margaret" Scott - why have a middle name if you aren't going to use it from time to time. Marge is fine. She is a brand new woman since breeding in the off-season. She will be at least as good as last year, but milkier.
Jill "the Hobbler" McKim - see Ryan's bio regarding this new addition. In fairness, she seldom hobbles these days, and is actually quite fleet-footed. Sounds kind of superheroesque as well, although "Axe and Hobbler" sounds more like a british pub than a crime-fighting duo. Consider this one a work in progress.
Tamara "Triple-A" Muise - possessed of all of that Muise energy and drive. She is unencumbered by an appendix this season, so we expect even bigger and better things.
Wendy "The Shuttle" Schulte - A great though relatively recent addition. Wicked fast, and one of the good spirit leaders of the team.
Sara "Fakester" Sullivan - always throws forehan...she's going backha......HAMMER! Oh wait...
Those of you possessed of rudimentary math skills will note that if everyone shows up we will have in excess of two full lines of both genders. Fortunately, that never happens. I have erred on the side of high numbers this year out of a reluctance to turn anyone down, and fatigue at how often I was scraping to put a team together last season. The good news is that the player portion of the team fee will be reduced accordingly. Your player fees (payable individually online) are once again $25 for the year (every season, should you wish), and your portion of our team fee payable to me will be $30 this year ($500/17 with a 59 cent tip to the captain for financing the effort). You can, and indeed are encouraged, to sign up immediately on www.halifaxultimate.ca. Our team code is 2358109, which you will enter in the Thursday REC box on the player registration form.
There has been talk of new uniforms. Eve is pricing out the options. If you have objections to that additional expense, please let me know.
Get training.
xo.
-Derek
We are all signed up and ready to go. We will be playing on Thursday evenings (Sunday didn't work out). Weather permitting, the season will start in less than a month. The rule seem to be pretty much the same as last year, although they have added a spicy "(de)Merit Point" system whereby the league can dock teams merit points for defaults, poor spirit reports, etc., with the end of year result possibly impacting that team's ability to return in subsequent years. They call it the XXX Rule. Looks like we will have to keep changing names.
The current confirmed roster is as follows:
Guys:
Paul "Hands" Gorman - a handshake from him is more immasculating than getting chewed out on the field by your wife, although they are admittedly close. He could catch everything if he wasn't so worried about showing up our opponents.
Ivan "Macbeth" Rapchuk - a nickname with an admittedly complicated origin. The apparent homage to the first scene of the play in which the three witches huddle over the prophetic bubbling cauldron is in fact a red herring as Ivan is often mispercieved to be just such a bubbling cauldron, ready to boil over violently at any moment. In truth, the name reflects the fact that it is Ivan's wife who is secretly behind all of his evil deeds. If his body holds up he will outplay all of us.
Adam "Eve" Lockhart - In contrast, is fully responsible for all his sins, original and otherwise. On the field he relies on height and sass in equal measure.
Chad "Sevens" Evans - sevens are lucky and cool, not unlike Chad. They also rhyme with Evans, which is a total coincidence.
Aaron "Double-A" Muise - tireless and speedy. Also referred to as "Crystal Ball", as his pre-game attitude foreshadows the outcome of the game, kind of like the first few minutes of the Matrix when the supporting cast keeps making battery references to Neo but we don't know what it means, and then when we find out we think to ourselves, cool concept, but that "coppertop" thing was stupid.
Timmy "Triple T-ReXXX" Roberts - to my mind the image of our current team's predecessor, XXX. A cagey veteran, he is the half-drunk guy swearing good-naturedly at himself as he barrels downfield for the long pass. Aim lower than you think though, he has the arms of a much shorter man
Ryan "The Axe" McKim - a new addition, so named because he works in forestry but also because it sort of sounds like a superhero. Ryan is best known for running the Bluenose marathon (his first) in about 20 minutes, waiting around healing the sick and wounded and solving crimes and such until his now wife hobbled across the finish line, whereupon he carried her across town to their hotel, where he no doubt took the stairs.
Jason "Layout" Calder - returning after a year of rehabilitation, but like Rocky's decision to ignore his doctors advice and risk blindness to defend his honour against Apollo Creed, no physiotherapist is going to tell Layout he can't lay out.
Ladies:
Chantelle "Pez" Rapchuk - one of the top female players in the league until her practice schedule was disrupted when she started popping kids out like a Pez dispenser. The name works on many levels, as she is also exceedingly sweet like the candy, although she is admittedly aided in that characteristic by using Ivan as a human vent for all of her negative energy.
Tonya "KaPow" Knopp - so named because she is so explosive on the field, both with bursts of speed and fits of rage. Also so named because we must never forget to pronounce the "K" in her name.
Jacqueline "Admiral" Scott - recent breeding efforts have reduced her overall hate quotient immeasurably, but on the field there is never any doubt that this captain has a boss.
Jennifer "Margaret" Scott - why have a middle name if you aren't going to use it from time to time. Marge is fine. She is a brand new woman since breeding in the off-season. She will be at least as good as last year, but milkier.
Jill "the Hobbler" McKim - see Ryan's bio regarding this new addition. In fairness, she seldom hobbles these days, and is actually quite fleet-footed. Sounds kind of superheroesque as well, although "Axe and Hobbler" sounds more like a british pub than a crime-fighting duo. Consider this one a work in progress.
Tamara "Triple-A" Muise - possessed of all of that Muise energy and drive. She is unencumbered by an appendix this season, so we expect even bigger and better things.
Wendy "The Shuttle" Schulte - A great though relatively recent addition. Wicked fast, and one of the good spirit leaders of the team.
Sara "Fakester" Sullivan - always throws forehan...she's going backha......HAMMER! Oh wait...
Those of you possessed of rudimentary math skills will note that if everyone shows up we will have in excess of two full lines of both genders. Fortunately, that never happens. I have erred on the side of high numbers this year out of a reluctance to turn anyone down, and fatigue at how often I was scraping to put a team together last season. The good news is that the player portion of the team fee will be reduced accordingly. Your player fees (payable individually online) are once again $25 for the year (every season, should you wish), and your portion of our team fee payable to me will be $30 this year ($500/17 with a 59 cent tip to the captain for financing the effort). You can, and indeed are encouraged, to sign up immediately on www.halifaxultimate.ca. Our team code is 2358109, which you will enter in the Thursday REC box on the player registration form.
There has been talk of new uniforms. Eve is pricing out the options. If you have objections to that additional expense, please let me know.
Get training.
xo.
-Derek
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
