Yabba-Dabba… D’oh!

Through the first two rounds of the 2013-14 NHL playoffs, the New York Rangers had a laughably terrible power play. By Game 4 against the Penguins, they would be just 3-for-42, for a conversion rate of 7.1%. It got to the point where the commentators would routinely make jokes suggesting that NY decline penalty calls. Seeing as I give zero shits about the New York Rangers (and even less so after they accidentally-on-purpose injured Carey Price… RAGE), the whole situation was kinda funny to me – but NO MORE! Folks, we are those New York Rangers – so inept with the man advantage. So, so inept. 

To back-up for a moment, for the many who weren’t there: our competitors last night – the black-clad, in-fighting, Draft team – were only able to field two female players, and were thus given the option of forfeiting or playing with six peoples. Or we were given the option of making them forfeit, or something. I don’t remember. The end result was that they played the entire game with only two females, and six total, on the field. In retrospect, mayhaps we should  have played six aside, as well. 

Now, this is not to say that we would have won (PS: we lost) had they been able to field seven or if we had played six, as they fielded a number of crazy-fast, muscular, antelope-legged, tattooed, possible ex-members of CrazyTown and BioHazard (the best descriptor Sharky and I could come up with was “hipster meth-head hockey players”). They were quick, and advanced the disk real efficient-like. And their captain, a six-foot-plus dead-ringer for Fred Flintstone (says Sally, and we all agreed), was a six-foot-plus dead-ringer for Fred Flintstone. He was good at being tall.

This is also not to say that we did not play well, or that we didn’t attempt to exploit their lax coverage (they didn’t even zone us, which would’ve made lotsa sense) – we did an excellent job of identifying the open player and feeding them the disk (yum). And temporary recruit James (aka “AB”, for Allie’s Boyfriend, because the last thing we need is another J-name!), was also quite effective at being tall and fast. And Jeeves’ hair was MAGNIFICENT – it was responsible for at least two of our seven points. 

All this speculative logic is hurting my head! Ultimate-ly (heh), we played well, but lost, basically because of one guy. And the field reeked like shit, or cat food, or Pictou (depending on who you asked). And it was fun, regardless, except for the smells, which were not fun. And Glutes scored with his face. And Chippy launched the disk into Glutes’ face from 6 feet away. And it was marvelous. 

The Ship Victory UGHHH I’LL HAVE WHAT SHE’S HAVING Curry Mayo Player of the Game is Punter, for her ability to evade her zero defenders and give us repeated easy passes up the field. That sounds sarcastic, but it’s not. Bonus points also to her and Captain for telling me in no uncertain terms to STFU at the pre-huck lineup when I tried to devise a defensive plan that was counter to their own. Which also sounds sarcastic, but it’s not, because frankly I don’t know what the hell I’m doing… :) 

Not sure where next week’s game is, but I hope to see you there. Note that we only have two games left before playoffs, which, sadly, it seems we’ll have to bow out of. *womp* 

Have a good weekend, all! 

-AA

Foul 'Balls

GODDAMN THAT WIN FELT GOOD… like, first-day-of-vacation or 10-hours-of-uninterrupted-sleep type good. And, judging from the number of times I flopped to the ground in relief/shock/ecstasy – on the sidelines, no less – I was FEELING it. Possibly a little too much, given that this was, y’know, bottom-tier, un-refereed, recreational Frisbee. But I am nothing if not acutely self-aware, albeit often retroactively, and my post-game auto-behavioral scanner likens my (i) skittering eyes, (ii) inability to complete a full sentence or thought, (iii) subsequent chest-pains and (iv) penchant for high-fiving the shit out of everything, to my 3-year old’s eiiiieeeeeeeeeee manner whist in the throes of an Oreo bender. When identified to be in this state, know that we are fucking PUMPED, but do not expect any meaningful decisions or conversation.

But what a game. It would be totally cliché to describe it as a “roller-coaster”, so I’ll just say it went up, then came down really quickly, before going up again. With lots of screaming and arms waving in the air. More specifically: we had the lead, then almost blew it (again!), before being saved in the end with some crack strategizing from Teale and Coach. Further, The Peltch, Bunny and Jeeves are establishing themselves as quite the defensive specialists, while Sharky, Tim and Chippy (Doc? Sauce? Tartar? Aimee?) seem to consistently find the end zones. Our handlers handled the handling (handily), we moved the disc really well (see: Partner - Xena - Captain - repeat), Nick miraculously overcame a mysterious workday illness to attend and contribute, and we scored opportunistically (except when we didn’t). Kudos to all y’all.

Collectively, we seem to have overcome our hatred of this purple team, who look to have ditched their overly aggressive, tall and douchy members for those much nicer (and incidentally, not nearly as good). Even shouty Fred Durst was pretty cool, when not shouting numbers into your face... which leads me to my favourite moments of the game (after the win, of course):

1. Tim's quick interception in the Dodgeball red-zone, and subsequent score, leading to some highly entertaining purple infighting - to quote: "Suck my dick, Joe!" (lol)
2. Teale's full field bomb to a sprinting Coach, who... just... barely... missed. It was the near-play of the season.
3. Sharky to Jeeves (confirm?) for the insurance marker at 7:52. My recollection of this one is a little hazy as I was busy screaming skyward in celebration, my vision obfuscated by tears of joy.
4. The spirit-y balls on Teale to call that foul on a play that happened two passes and another foul call prior, not to mention about 50-yards upfield. 
5. And a twenty-play tie for every catch Captain snagged last night. Dodgeball agreed: she was the Larry Uteck Public Drinking Player of the Game.

 Excellent. See y'all next week - in Dartmouth.
-AA

Glass: Half Full? Half Empty? I'd Like a New Glass, Please

Easy come, easy go, Hammers.

So we lost, it’s true. So we blew a big, early lead… also true. So we chose to turn a blind eye to some questionable (innocent?) defensive tactics, or at least grumble to ourselves about them on the sidelines (true), and it may have come back to bite us (maayyybe true). But I encourage y’all to look on the bright side here: namely, that a 5-1 first half lead is not insurmountable, which we should keep in mind next time we find ourselves in a bit of a hole.

Further, it was a cool, sunny evening. We got to run around lots. They provided post-game cookies, and were a relatively well-spirited team if you didn’t mind the overly-familiar old dude with the camera who totally invaded our personal team sideline space (WHICH HE TOTALLY DID ALL NIGHT). And a few of us had a post-game beer or two (or 1.25, eh Jean!).

And I don’t know about you, but I was just happy to put my depressed state of a post-vacation life on hold for a few hours.

Further still, we had a HUGE showing last night. If team Volume had any measurable impact on outcome, we would’ve slayed them (although they may have had the advantage in total team height, or length if they were laying down). Plus, we fielded like, nine dudes and managed to score some solid emergency female subs in Erin and Jen. But alas, the ability of a team to displace the most amount of water does not a victory make (Jesus Christ, that was terrible), and we came up two points short. The turning point was clearly their extended time out, which allowed them to devise a strategy to counter our frantic, cup-busting offence. One day later, and I still don’t know what their strategy was, but it clearly worked…

Our handlers, Coach, Sally and Teale, had a solid (if frustrating) night, as did everyone else: Sharky, Bunny, Punter, Green and Tim all had sticky fingers; Jeeves, Captain and The Peltch were solid on defense (I never tire of seeing Jeeves get his foot-blocks all up in opponents’ faces). AND, we managed to injure a few opponents: Punter clearly tipped the disc into some poor girl’s face, Green almost took another girl’s wrist off, and a quick Teale-to-Sharky score caused their barefoot’d superstar to destroy his hand on the turf (which he then taped up and played through… natch). And thus, I award the Lion’s Head Tavern Cute Little Kiddie Beer MVP award (pictured sideways below)  to The Pelch for the most authoritative pass block of the year. It was really something. It caused me to scream.

See you all next week, party peoples. Until then, rock on, don’t fear the reaper, something something… \m/
-AA

Ultimate players don’t share

That sun was bright! Thank god we won the toss and we picked the side of the field with the sun at our backs. That was Coaches bright idea ;)  Although that really didn’t help us much, because Draft Punk ended up scoring the first two points.  I blame Partner for showing up a few minutes late and we had to play short a female. But she made up for that by catching a few long bombs into the end zone breaking two nails in the process and nearly stepping on Sharky’s head as they both collided into each other in the end zone (very interesting mishap if I do say so myself).

We fought those two points back quickly with some AMAZING catches by Jeeves! That guy was flying all over the place. Those grass stains will be tough to get out for next week.  D-Land made an appearance again this game and whipped out a few hammers that helped us take the lead.

As half time was approaching I noticed two soccer teams at the end of the field waiting to start their game.  As we were taking a much needed break (especially the three females!) we were approached by a lady in bright pink pants who was insisting they had the felid and wanted us to get off or move over a bit so they could play too.  Draft Punk made their way over to help us with Ms. Pink Pants.  The conversation got heated as we asked for their field permit and they were not able to provide one.

Pink Pants wanted to compromise and share the field. Can you fucking imagine?? Four ultimate teams and two soccer teams all playing on one field? She was clearly nuts! A long time Ultimate player from Draft Punk (Roger) walked over and said “Can I see your permit?” Pink Pants said “I don’t have one” Roger- “well then you can’t play here” and started to walk away.  Pink Pants “You are an asshole! And we will just play anyway; call the cops if you want” Michelle-“okay, go ahead we will just call the cops”.   In the end Ms. Pink Pants waited us out and everything was fine.  She wasn’t happy but that wasn’t our problem.  HRM made the mistake of double booking the field.  Good job she didn’t ask for our permit ;)  Maybe I print that sucker out and have it with me lol.

After that confutation we were all fired up and ready to win this game.  We were up by one at half and within minutes into the second half we were up by two.  Amazing catches and defensive moves by Green, Coach, Sally, Bunny and Tim to help us with the win! Seriously, we had some crazy/almost impossible catches that were made last night.   I won’t talk about the not so crazy and very possible catches that should have been made last night by me ;)

I award the tight pink pants (did I mention these pants were tight!!! Puke city!) no permit player of the game to SanJeev and Dan for their crazy/nearly impossible catches and defensive moves in the end zone. 

See you cats next week!! I might come out sporting some hot pink pants next week ;)

Captain

 

*FYI - I think Becky is being to nice about pink pants.  She was very loud and obnoxious and should not have been wearing tight pants, regardless of colour.  She also called us assholes which sealed the deal on the sharing aspect.  It also made me want to fight her.  Which would then have sealed the deal as this being the most ridiculous thing to ever happen on a frisbee field.  Also, I was very sore this morning.  I should not run that much.  That is all.

Well that was a thing of beauty Hammers

Said former Hammer Captain D-Land from the sidelines of last night's IMPRESSIVE 11-10 win (former in that he is no longer captain - for the record he is still a member of said Hmmers and also very much alive as he showed last night when he took out not one, but two of the Dodgeball girls - more on that later).  Quite frankly I don't even know where to begin - there was just so many good things that happened last night.  Oh wait, I do know where to begin....

One thing is for certain - I should not be allowed to lead any cheer.  Like ever.  I mean it is an actual miracle that we won given my incompetence in the cheer circle.  It could have really deflated the team before we even began.  It was awkard. I was screaming STOP and no one was following. I forgot the importance of the "On three" statement.  I mean what the f*ck.  So I thank you all for last night's win and you making me feel better about my collosal failure.  To express my sincere thanks here are my personal messages:

Captain - thank you for turning to me in the cheer circle and telling me - forcefully I might add - that I must lead the cheer.  I blame you for my deflated self-confidence and the random teary episodes I have been suffering from all day.  I mean perhaps this is a learning moment and in a few years, after many dollars spent in therapy, I will thank you for teaching me this important lesson.  Probably not though.

Green - your dedication to being a circus clown in your sparetime is serving you well.  I mean that is the only explanation for that jump, catch between the legs, hop up disc catch in the end zone last night.  Which was a thing of beauty.  And sure to make the TSN Top Ten which apparently does show Ultimate highlights - when they are worthy.  I also award you the "WTF to no drinks after Ultimate" Player of the Game.

Tim - thank you for bringing back the beard.  I was confused by your clean shaven face.  Also, nice hands last night.  I attribute this to the beard.  And there were more than a few impressive diving grabs.

D-Jean/Dijon/any other hilarious D nickname inlcuding some basketball player named Dirk - thank you for running in at top speed to the end zone where Sauce and I stood looking/watching a disc that we may not have caught.  Not only did you catch said disc which resulted in a point (phewf) but also SCARED THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF US.  The other team was heard saying "did you see that guy try to take out two of his own girls."  Anyway, that one point was clearly the difference so we thank you for ensuring that disc did not drop and not putting physical safety in the way of a victory.

D-Land - speaking of physical safety...thank you for taking out two of the Dodgeball girls - one quite forcefully.  I mean those girls were SO difficult to deal with.  They were friendly, talked to us, played hard but were not agravating (other than the hairy girl who was not so much agravating but just weird).  They deserved that body check message.  Also, nice work being rewarded with spirit beer for such physical prowess.  This is why I like playing the Dodgeball team.  They get the true "spirit" of the game.

Coach - thank you for not knowing Honey Boo Boo's Father's name.  If you had known said name, your role and nickname may be in issue.  Fortunately your calming nature and commitment to the team and your role as Coach ensured another Hammers V.

Doc Sauce - thank you for letting us change your nickname from Sauce to Doc Sauce.  And for making me and Sally laugh a lot all game.  Like all game.

Bunny - I think last night it became clear that you are called Bunny not because it is funny (but wholly crap it is) but because you just keep going and going.  There was a lot of running by you last night.  A lot.  Fast running.  Very fast.  Good work.

Sharky - thank you for sitting down with Green in between his circus gigs and developing plays for the two of you.  The one you refered to as "3" last night was pure brilliance.  And impressive to watch.  You two are a force.  Good work.

Punter - have we decided your nickname is offensive?  I think (hope) we agreed on no.  Regardless, you were amazing last night.  I like the initiative to try some handling.  And there was a really, really nice point in there for you and Captain.  Woot.

Sally - you are the master of the flick.  Don't let anyone tell you backhand is the way to go.  It is not.  In many facets of life but mostly Ultimate. 

So there.  Long-winded, late entry.  You are welcome.

xo MK

Ruh-Roh!

The wind. It blows, both literally and figuratively, at least for us Hammers, at least for last night. And our opponents, seemingly-friendly as they may have been, smartly rode said beast wind like a deranged Pegasus, repeatedly pinning us on our own goal by some combination of godless black magic and ample zone cuppage. The situation was bleak, and spirits were low. Bunny was nursing a wounded wrist; Glutes a wonky groin (or leg, or something). But then, in a pulpy second act twist, the Hammers crack coaching staff - led by… Coach and coach-emeritus DL - unmasked our opponent’s strategy, revealing our path forward, “solving the mystery”, if you will.

(Yes, yes - this Scooby-Doo theme is a mess… but, onward!)

This season, we have become something of a second half team, and this was also the case last night. After re-grouping at half, we were able to climb to within spitting distance of our foes. Certainly, they were dreaming of a 15-3 romp, and they would have achieved it, too, if it weren’t for us drat kids. BOOM! (*sigh*).

EDIT: We lost, 12-7.

Highlights, lowlights and revelations:

• DL making it out for his first game of the year, then CLEARING THE FENCE with a monstrous hammer (high/lowlight: the subsequent wardrobe malfunction of the zealous dude who went to retrieve it);
• Rookie (this is now Ally’s nickname, btw) appearing to score (yay), but standing mere inches off the field (booooo);
• Strong D from The Pelch (this is now D-Jean’s nickname, btw) and Punter;
• Check out the sticky fins on Sharky, who chased down a few big passes;
• Big scores from Bunny and Partner and fearless handling from Captain and Coach;
• Did one of THEM berate a fellow teammate? I heard rumblings over beers, but didn’t get all the details… please elaborate in the comments; and
• Last but not least, in a wild revelation, it has been discovered that Tim was once a member of the pre-Bag Of Hammers HURL franchise XXX, where he played with DL and quite possibly his namesake. Serendipity! And now I am off to revise our Hammers History spreadsheet, which is becoming increasingly spider-webby.

And I award the Poorly-Received Ugly T-Shirt Player Of the Game Award to Sharky, for his goal line snags and determination to learn the forward fin flick. Atta-boy, Sharky.

See y’all next week,

AA

On Sharks, Dolphns & Hammers

“Well, that was fun”, said the old man blog author, seriously, while quietly lamenting the soreness of his hamstrings and glutes, thereby acknowledging the unyielding passage of time and slow onward march towards death, “I should have stretched”.

Then he re-read his opening sentence and, with a lengthy sigh punctuated with a belch, acknowledged it was terrible, but refused to delete or re-write it because he only has about 20 minutes of lunch break to write these things and can’t be bothered to revisit every poorly worded passage that seems to suggest in the third person that the author is capable of communicating four things simultaneously.

Where was I? Oh right, the game. Well done, Hammers. First thing’s first – we LOOKED AWESOME in our sweet sweet (sweet) new duds:

While we lost, it’s true, we lost by a mere two despite giving the Dolphins a four point head-start. Close, fun games with results like these will keep us sitting pretty in the appropriate tier of the league – which is VERY important because the potential for both blowouts and encounters with horse-legged, anal-retentive rule Nazis is directly proportional to league standing. Be forewarned. It’s also worth noting that as of this morning, we are tops in the league in spirit rating, with a spirit score of… Gold Star! I don’t know what any of this means, but hopefully it results in free beer (as it did when Picaroon’s was a major league sponsor – TRUE STORY).

Highlights: I enjoyed watching our nine-fingered Coach Dan swat away many a wayward pass; James “Green” Green repeatedly leaving his coverage in the grass clippings; a rotating team of fearless handlers (Jenn! Becky!) stepping up as required; wild circus catches from Tim/Jay and “Sharky” Chris; and solid passing, cutting and spirit from all y’all. I’m certain potential new (tall!) recruit Allie (Ally?) was suitably impressed also (she took a jersey, suggesting commitment). I also really enjoyed the looks of confusion on both teams’ faces as we called out nicknames mid-play. Sharky!

The Lion’s Head Creepy Karaoke Rehearsal Player Of The Game would have to go to Mr. Green for his multiple scores, in but his second Ultimate game ever – his quick success almost makes a mockery of the sport.

Have a good weekend, folks. Don’t blow away.

AA