Bag Of Hammers 2014: Mer De Noms

We came. We saw. We cupped. We zoned. We hammered. We conquered... (*mic drop*). A surprisingly well-spirited game and a very satisfying win, y’all – although somewhat less satisfying without a number of the more obnoxious Dodgeball players present to feel the HAMMER BURN. Maybe next time.

Last night saw both the welcome return of Jean and Michelle, who both played great, and the re-introduction of the Hammer Zone-D, with a cup comprised entirely of confused dudes (including myself). Jenn had a monster game, and was thusly rewarded by the purple guys with a big brown bottle of delicious craft beer. As far as I know, said beer remains un-drunk (word?), so we’ll have to pay this forward next week. To put a title on this, I hereby dub her the Armview Fancy Chilean Greens (w/ Pino Grigio) Player of the Game. Kudos! Shout-out also to the great Jamie-Jay chemistry on display. Whee!

But let’s get down to business. Last night we discussed nicknames, after it became obvious that the only way any of us can possibly ever address Jean in the future is as Dijon (or D-Jean, as in “great D, Jean!”), even if we only ever say the “D” silently to ourselves. Once it was evident how much Mr. Pelletier did not support this development,  the deal was, howdoyousay… sealed. Further, given our James/Jamie/Jay/Jean situation, we clearly need handles for EVERYBODY. So, with historical Hammer nick-provider Derek left unfamiliar with many of y’all,  Becky and I came up with the following:

• Becky – CAPTAIN, obviously;
• Jamie – TEALE, obvious and necessary;
• James – GREEN, also obvious and necessary;
• Jay – TIM, as he looks remarkably like ex-Hammer captain Tim, which leads me to call him “Tim” from the sidelines… so this should make things easier for me;
• Jean – DIJON/D-JEAN, as discussed… sorry, Jean;
• Dan – COACH, obviously, because he’s the coach;
• Aimee – CHIPPY, as in Fish & Chip…py (see here), because ”tartar” is kind of a gross word;
• Michelle – PARTNER, ‘cuz she owns a goddamn law firm (or part of one);
• Sandy – BUNNY, for no good reason, other than LOL;
• Chris – SHARKY, also for no good reason, unless you count my nostalgia for long-since-cancelled Fox Kids cartoons from the 90s (i.e. Eeek-stravaganza!)… which as far as I’m concerned is a fine reason;
• Aaron – DOUBLE-A, as dubbed by Derek when I joined the team, circa 2006 (note: I’m old);
• Nick – FLOUNDER, randomly, because I think it’s funny… and because Gluteous McGlutenfree is too long and suggests his defining personality trait is an inability to eat french fries… and because of Animal House;
• Jenn – SALLY, in reference to her car, in the most classic rock of manner (i.e. Mustang Sally… groan), and because “Benny” would be too lazy of a choice;
• Sanjeev – this is a tough one, as I see a solid 3 options: (i) NEW MIKE, as he is ~small and quick, and is essentially a “new Mike”; (ii) SAN-MAN, as offered by Becky, and may also be an existing handle (?); or (iii) JEEVES, the stuffy English butler, which is by far the easiest to say – which do y’all prefer? Help;
• Derek – D-LAND, as dubbed potentially by Derek himself, or maybe Tim (note: not to be confused with D-JEAN);
• Marie – EMINEM… Marie MacCormick… M&M… obviously; annnnnd
• Colleen – PUNTER, because newf!

You may only reject your handle if you can provide a better one. Sorry if I have offended anyone (srsly).

See yous all next week. Drive safe. Play safe.

-AA

Green and Teale (the team with way too many “J’s”)

As I was walking towards the field last night I was thinking the wind might make for a challenging game, but it actually worked in our favor! Draft Punk has always been a great team to play against over the years.  This year, unfortunately, they seem to have a pretty intense male player who was probably just pissed off because he was an idiot and biked to the field last night from the Halifax Shopping Centre .  Who does that!??? But to make up for the douche bag on the team they have a super funny guy who I think we all noticed and got a kick out of.  Draft Punk had the best “Three Cheers for the Bag of Hammers” cheer. The dudes laugh at the end was classic!

This week’s showing was so much better than last week’s showing.   We had two full lines of guys, a female sub and two adorable McAfee boys to cheer us on!  After a quick breakdown of the rules to the very new players of the sport and Chris being the Lawyer that he is requesting evidence that the theories of the plays really do work, we took to the field.  I am sure Colleen, James and Chris were thinking “what the hell did I get myself into”.  With ultimate lingo being thrown around throughout the game I am sure the newbie’s were wondering if we really were being forced home and having poached eggs after the game. 

We took a quick lead, Aaron rushing down field at lightning speed to get that first point of the game. We were feeling confident as we gave each other butt slaps on the line after the first point. Okay okay, maybe the whole butt slap part didn’t really happen but I wanted to give Aaron a butt slap after that amazing first point!

We have some very athletic players on the team this season.   Did anyone else notice Sandy and James high tailing it up and down the field numerous times throughout the game? I wasn’t sure if they were just racing each other or messing with their defender.   And Sanjeev and all of his many layout attempts.  Sanjeev told me last week he was still trying to get the grass stains out of his shirt from last year and after watching him play last night I actually believe that!!

We must have done something right when explaining the game because every single newbie on the team scored a point!  Our handlers (Jamie, Jen, Dan and on the odd occasion Jay) did extremely well handling the disc up the field despite the wind.   Cuts from Amiee , Aaron and Sanjeev were incredible leaving their defenders in the dust.

  

Next week we are playing the evil “Dodgeball” team. Aaron reminded us all of a few of their guys.  He particularly pointed out the dude who thinks he is all that with the pencil beard.  I will attach a picture of what he might look like this year so you can stay away from him next week ;)  It was also suggested that we all grow pencil beards this week and mock the dude lol. I will leave that up to you to choose but I am seriously considering it ;)

My only advice for next week’s game is to come out strong and do some dodgeball ball slapping!

If you didn’t notice we have a lot of names that start with “J” on the team this season so we thought it might be good to have some nicknames.  Especially when it comes to James and Jamie.  Last night Jamie said we can just call him “Teale” and we thought it would be appropriate to call James by his last name “Green”.  Once we said it out loud the whole table cracked up. Teale and Green. Now that is funny shit :)

The Armview, split the nachos nine ways, too much balls talk at the table, player of the game goes to… the three newbie’s of the sport!! Colleen Batstone, James Green and Chris Keliher!! What a great first showing from all three!  

See you cats next week! Expect for Colleen who is to cool for us and will be traveling to Brazil for two week to watch four World Cup games. Ya, we hate scraper already ;)  

Yours truly,

Becks

Self-Improvement Through Ultimate: Don't Be Afraid To Take A Dump

Back in my first or second year of university at Dal, my wife Terri worked part-time at an after school program at the Elementary in Porters Lake. On one particular Friday, I was to pick her up at work to head into the city for a then-standard night of binge drinking (ah, university!). Riding shotgun was a good friend, who – while perfectly nice – just happened to be that friend in any group who acts a little more badass than the rest. Like Donnie Wahlberg. He had the pierced tongue, the pierced eyebrow, always had a big bag of weed, and was the first to get a full sleeve tattoo. Y’know the guy…

Anyway, he serves no purpose to the story except to provide juxtaposition to the earnest preppiness of my wife, who was sporting her STAFF outfit and a purse full of gumballs when she climbed into the back seat of my grimy Civic hatchback. Shortly thereafter, somewhere between Mineville and Preston, she stuck her head in between the front seats and pulled an impressive Gene Simmons/Miley Cyrus tongue wag. And over the blare of the Faith No More or White Zombie or whatever it was, she said, completely innocently, in the exact tone and wide-eyed manner Mr. Dress-up or Barney would address a gaggle of 6 year-olds,  “Hey – my tongue’s purple. Is yooooours?!”

We still laugh about it to this day, and it is our go-to phrase whenever one of us comes across as overly condescending. My point? Well, I have started “coaching” my 3 year-old son’s soccer team, and have found that when I am addressing a group of people I tend to slip into my enthusiastic soccer Dad mode. So: (i) please be aware, and (ii) please tell me when this is happening!

BUT SERIOUSLY, FOLKS – it’s great to be back. I admit to being a little less than enthusiastic about the season starting up again – and first games are typically a complete shit show (browse blog to last year’s opening day) – but after watching those silver Hammer jerseys march up the field to nearly score on first possession, I was once again psyched soccer Dad. And, hey - Dan is back! We have some added skill and height in our arsenal with Jay (welcome, Jay)! No one got hurt!

The game itself: while we lost, we did so respectably – climbing back to within a single point by the end, and doing so with only one sub for the whole team. I like playing All Odds, as we seem to be comparable skill-wise, and the games seem to be relatively well-spirited despite:

• Me being completely railroaded by an overly aggressive/clumsy red dude;
• Said clumsy dude high-fiving me square in the face at the conclusion of the game;
• Me accidentally railroading a much smaller female as we both watch the disc fly overhead;
• Nick pummelling one of their larger dudes in a tight battle for the disc; and
• Jenn ripping the disc outta the hands of a red dude in the end zone for a score.

I love it. Of note: not a single foul was called. Maybe we should talk about this next game. J

Ravenscraig Responsible Adult No Beer Night Player of the Game: Aimee “Queen of the Circus Catches” Yazbek. Holy shit. Honourable mention: Jenn, for advising us not to be afraid to “take a dump”.

I never am, Jenn.

See y’all next week!

-AA

PS: If anyone hasn’t yet settled with Captain Becky, please do so ASAP.

Book It, Hammer.

Another year hast come and gone, as has another year-end tournament on the Spryfieldian Plains of Graves-Oakley. And while we came up win-less, we did so in typical Hammer fashion - that is, with maximum effort, relative dignity, and while maintaining a distinct moral high ground over our leering, nit-picking, douchey and grumbling opponents. We can do no wrong, folks, trust me - we are infallible!

Play of the day, possibly the year(!), was that beautiful hammer by Cruddick to a sliding-on-her-knees-through-the-end-zone Aimee for the score. It was a thing of beauty. Honourable mentions to Marie and Jenn for their dramatic entrances, sacrificing their health and workplace responsibilities to make it out and contribute. 

Pics from the day (including those by honorary BoH 2013 documentarian, Jenn) can be found at this link (along with 100+ pics from years past): :http://www.flickr.com/photos/muiseam/sets/72157620568162050. Enjoy!

It was a good year, team. We did lots of running, lots of throwing, some drinking, some eating... and while there were a few regrettable moments (sorry) there was also lots of learning and laughing (just like that movie... Rudy). I tally a net gain on the year... success! Big thanks to Becky for captaining, and to Gregor, Jamie and Derek for their roles as handlers. Y'all are rocks.

Hope you all make it out again next year, and to Chris and Aimee's on the 21st.

Kisses,
Aaron

PS: Here, my dears.
 

ISO LARS!!!

Ah, yes - the "Iso Lars": a terrific example of  the aggressive douchiness of the Dodgeball team (our new arch nemeses), as shouted loudly and repeatedly by their pencil-bearded handler while the rest of the purple team sprinted circles around the end zone. Apparently it means "get open, Lars", where Lars is their lanky, INTENSE, bandana'd, bespectacled and (I suspect) Asberger'd phenom who nearly drove both Derek and myself to commit acts of extreme violence. But let's skip over the unpleasantries, as they detract from the pleasantries of our sweet sweet (SWEET) victory last night (made all the sweeter by the aforementioned douchiness of our victims, as well as the revenge for the 15-0 drubbing we received at their douchey hands in week one)...

No discussion of last night's game would be complete without acknowledgment of THE CATCH - an act of wondrous magic as pulled off by Captain Becky, who rescued the disc from certain purple peril just as the game was at risk of slipping through our fingers. I gasped. It is enough to earn her the Lion's Head Awkward Karaoke Stalling Player of the Game, along with Hammer QB Mr. Teale.

But as always, we all played well. Derek sacrificed both quads and Jenn potentially affected her ability to walk to give us this win (seriously, hope you guys are doing okay today). Diedre was able to make it out again. We snagged circus catches aplenty. I think we all may have scored or assisted on a point last night. And Nick wore this:

Rest up, my pretties, for next week another victim awaits.
-AA

FISH & CHIPS!

We came. We saw. We conquered... finally, mercilessly. Bolstered by the addition of the elusive Jamie Teale, captain emeritus Derek Land and the motivational battered foods Aimee ate on her way to the field, the Hammers grabbed the early lead and never let up - piling on the All Odds out of fear of a Maple Leaf-esque collapse (a lesson learned years ago by past incarnations of the Hammers). Then came the sweet sweet (sweet) taste of victory, which tastes a lot like Stella. Mmm (and thanks!)...

While everybody seriously kicked fucking ass last night, and the added handler hands of Jamie and Derek were big pluses, and the female contingent totally outplayed the red ladies with minimal available subbage, consensus Lower Deck Gluten Free Alternative Menu Steak Player of the Game goes to Aimee "Fish & Chips / Tartar / Captain Highliner" Yazbek for her dominant play.

I love you all.

Let's keep this winning streak alive, yo. THE FLOODGATES ARE OPEN!
-AA

Verbs!

Throwing. Catching. Running. Hammer-ing. Mis-hammer-ing. Swinging. Swatting. Cutting. Diving. Attending. Bleeding. Counting. Injuring the other team. Folks - we did it all last night, save for winning. I daresay if ever we were handed a game on a silver platter, the shorthanded orange folks did so last night (that is, handed us the game on a metaphorical silver platter)… before knocking it in the ground in a CACOPHONOUS RACKET OF SHAME AND DISAPPOINTMENT (metaphors!).

I maintain that victory will be ours soon enough, and we may not have to wait for another attendance-challenged team. We will will it so (we will). For the Bag of Hammers from last night were far from the Bag of Hammers from our first few games - we were patient when we needed to be, aggressive when we needed to be, we moved the disc better than any game yet. We just didn't score as much as we needed to win. Kudos to ALL.

Moving forward, I would like to propose a new offensive strategy/fail-safe. I call it The Gregor Offense. In this new offensive system, Gregor, the handler, never actually leaves the field. We also seemed to have more success with our ~horizontal stacking last night, which I may propose as an added component to The Gregor Offense, provided it can be successful against man coverage in future games. Otherwise, we can go back to our standard vertical stacking if need be. If all are cool with this, especially umm... Gregor, I say we give it a shot. As my daughter would say "SERIOUSLY".

The Lion's Head Glutenous Poutine Orgy Player of the Game: me, for completing the most awesome hammer in the history of HURL, with all apologies to Derek Land. Fuck all y'all! (smiley face emoticon) Runners-up include Sandy, Mike and Michelle for the majority of our points... and everybody else for everything they did that was good. Heh... SERIOUSLY.

Again, please let Becky know ASAP if you won't be able to attend next week as we may have to reschedule.

Huzzah!
AA