That's A Wrap!

Let's not pussyfoot around here, Hammers - our dramatic, come from behind, upwind, game-tying point (very literally, at the buzzer) against our arch nemeses (as well as the subsequent Hammer to Sharky for the win) was the highlight of the day. Full stop. Frankly, it was a blur and I don't even remember who scored it - I was too busy screaming to the skies, tears streaming down my face, pee dribbling out of my shorts - to notice.

God, it was great.

I mean, sure, there were other highlights and noteworthy shit: Jeeves made a helluva diving/concussing catch in the endzone for our first (?) point of the day; we handled as a team against a frequently-employed cup probably better than we had all season; most of us played through leg, back, and bloody blistered foot injuries (our numbers were pretty scant by the final game); Chippy was chastised for being a little too touchy-feely (lol); and so on and so forth - all part of the mosaic of the day, that started with the aforementioned capital-V VICTORY.

Of course, we lost the next two games (11-5 and 13-8), the latter of which we came back to make it close, despite having one healthy sub still standing. There was a lot to be proud of (Scurvy was shocked that we were still upright), but nothing moreso than that first win. Everything else was gravy.

HUGE HUGE HUGE thanks to Sharky, Jen and Mike for coming out and enabling us to (i) field a team; and (ii) field a fucking GOOD team. Collectively, you win the Pulled Pork (heh heh) Taco w/ Amazing Fries Bag Of Hammers Players of the Day. Kisses!

Thanks also to everyone who picked up the camera to take pics today - epic results can be found at the tail end of this Flickr album: https://www.flickr.com/photos/muiseam/albums/72157620568162050. Actually, have a gander at the rest of the pics and see if you can't remember everyone's names back to 20-aught-whatever (and sorry I wasn't bright enough to bring it out earlier in the season, to get shots of the rest of y'all).

Congrats on another fun season, guys. I love you all.
-AA

The Hammies!

Well, guys – it was a rainy, slippery, sloppy, Dolphin-y night at the Pit; our final tune-up before the big playoffs tomorrow. And… we lost, albeit despite a number of great plays and effort and big balls making foul calls and beautiful hammer points delivered by Screech and Pelch (both to Tim, I believe). Our opponents were also grossly undermanned, but were also a Tier II team – two factors that should have cancelled each other out, in our favour. Alas……

BUT, enough about last night, let’s talk about the season, as it is basically all but over for us.

Over post-game beers and burgers (while sitting awkwardly within the view path of our nemesis Dodgeball team, pondering whether they dislike us as much as we kinda dislike them – avert your eyes!), we tried to assemble a list of the Bag Of Hammers Rogers SportsNet Plays of the Year (aka, “The Hammies”… someone please come up with a better name). It was a tall task, so apologies if we missed any of your favourite personal accomplishments or superstar moments (I know, I know - there was SO MUCH to choose from), or if you don’t recall the play from my wonky description, or if I got the details wrong, etc. We came up with the following:

• Armsy’s top-down, reach-around, pants-soiling pass reception vs All 0dds at the Burnside Field
• The Pelch’s diving/behind-the-back/I-still-don’t-know-how-he-managed-to-catch-that-without-dislocating-his-shoulder point against a short-handed Discs 0f Fury in Spryfield
• Chippy’s two-kneed/Marty McFly guitar solo sliding catch against Hucker-Bees (Runner-up: to quote the blog, “Chippy’s epic 60-yard dash and lay-out to chase down a long put from D-Land, which was ultimately unsuccessful but finished with a fearless, face-first porpoise dive” – vs WTTWD in Burnside)
• THE HONEY MUSTARD POINT! – the dagger in the rotten heart of WTTWD (again!) at the at the Burnside Field (temporarily, as we lost the game)
• Glutes McGrath casually accepting a pass off the back off of WTTWD’s unaware Peter Jackson doppleganger, at Wanderer’s Grounds
• Jeeves’ signature, patent-pending EPIC foot block against Tuna at the Wanderer’s Grounds – for our first win of the season

Please, PLEASE, nominate other plays/players/points/games/food/dance moves in the comments. Again – there was so much to choose from; for example, Derek should get a nom for playing an entire game topless, and I feel Greg should be nominated for something!

It was an awesome year, Hammers – can’t wait to kick some asses and eat some tacos at the playoffs tomorrow!

-AA

Thursday Night Lights

Well, folks, the night started with Tim maniacally miming how Screech should intercept Captain’s inevitable spirit player of the game award, and STAB THEIR PLAYERS with the broken bottle, and- *deleted: long rant about frustrations playing WTTWD*

:)

We won. We WON. Fucking HELL that felt good – despite, or maybe BECAUSE OF, all of the petty squabbling and bickering that marred this, and every, game against this particular team (for some reason). And not only did we win, we made it to 15 points (!?!) and forced them to take two timeouts in quick succession. We may be peaking at the right time folks, just ahead of playoffs (which we will totally be participating in) – no shit, our successive cuts and disk movement were *kisses fingers* beee-autiful; our D (as Mike Tyson would say) was impregnable; our ability to respond to our opponents defensive strategy and capitalize (summary – go long, MF) was damn impressive.

D-Land – you would have been so proud.

There will be no Samantha Fox Touch Me Touch Me I Want To Feel Your Body Player of the Game today, because (cop-out) WE WERE ALL PLAYERS OF THE GAME.

Kisses!

-AA

PS: Sorry so short. My typing fingers are too fat, on account of being swollen with pride.

EDIT: For Dan.

30-Odd Fouls (and a Pick)

Well, that was fun (really, no sarcasm).

We entered the field to a gauntlet of shrieking, catty teens and side eye-casting soccerati ; we left *spoiler* with sore muscles, Michelle, and a satisfying tie. Our opponents were a similarly-aged team with a similar lax attitude toward offensive structure, yet an unfortunate dedication towards zone defense, goin’ deep and wild facial hair (…that ‘stache, man).

Despite a dearth of dude subs, we EXPLODED out of the gates, racking up a 4-1 lead – before running out of gas (i.e. pre-game beers) somewhat, and we headed into half tied at 6’s… whereupon we KIND OF EXPLODED OUT OF THE GATES AGAIN (BUT TO A LESSER DEGREE), eking ahead 9-8 with Greg/Anne’s evasive maneuvering and well-practiced alligator catches. Then, we were treated to an act of selfless spirit not witnessed this season: their captain offered last point with north of five minutes left – a favour we returned moments later by giving them the tie. No matter – they actually play in the tier above us, and we damned near beat them. We should be puffy with pride.

It should be noted that, as the title states, this game was peppered with a ludicrous number of fouls. Funnily enough, all but one particularly egregious strip call were completely justified and uncontested. And despite the number of fouls, I never once thought that either team were being nit-picky, or douchey, or reckless, or rough. They were friendly fouls, really. Good job, everybody.

Picking a Lower Deck Donair Eggroll Oh God What Was I Thinking Player of the Game is a bit of a challenge, as everyone killed it: Bunny and Screech crashing the cup; Captain, Coach and Sally handling against said cup; Armsy saving so many errant passes; Greg’s aforementioned beer-fueled energy; etc. But I’mma give it to Tim for his impressive vertical in the end zone to evade his coverage and snag that 8^th point for us. Play. Of. The Game.

Kisses, all!

-AA

PS: if you haven’t let us know what your story is for September 12^th playoffs, please do so ASAP!

The Next to Next to Next to [...] Last Game

Well, folks, at least technically it was a win.

Really, there’s not much to say about last night’s somewhat demoralizing shit-kicking at the short-handed hands of our competitively friendly nemeses, Fury (Discs Of). After taking the default win (6-0!), we opted to face our opponents 5-on-5 – whereupon we were handily trounced (16-9!). I like to think that: maybe only their strong players showed up (as they certainly were strong, and fast, and TALL) … and/or that we hardly played at full-throttle without the added motivation of formality (save for the fearless diving duo of Pelch and Honey, and the tenacious D of a bouncing Anne) … and/or that we can’t deal with unnaturally thick, creepy, smothering fog (The Others, anyone?) … and/or we don’t know what to do with any less than 7 players on the field, on each team, at a given time. This last point has been proven repeatedly over the years – I can only imagine the carnage had we faced them 7-on-4, as they offered off the top! Lol.

Lol, indeed. I still had fun.

Annnnnnyway… the Armview Towering Dagwood Sandwich Player of the Game go-eth to Bunny, in recognition of a strong season, and for completing (at long last): the BUNNY MUSTARD point!

Kisses, all.

-AA

PS: http://theconcourse.deadspin.com/pool-bears-want-to-remind-you-that-summer-aint-over-yet-1725613987

The Bees Knees

We're gonna keep this short and simple. We (The BOH) lost. They (The Huckerbees) won. The score was 14-8 (it would have been 13-8 had we not agreed to play an additional, after time point). It was hot. And humid. AA - you would have hated the conditions. Greg was amazing/entertaining as always. Cheetah-like sprints, so many near-catches in the end-zone, lots of crazy-ass comments. Jay(Tim) was also amazing, securing his title as Assist-King, in spite of his near death by a slicing disc/pizza wheel. Cruddick is still miserable with that stupid calf injury. Colleen, despite being in her first trimester, was able to play a great defensive game. It was so hot, I can't remember who else was there. Some girl named Aimée might have scored a bucket load of points (while on her knees), but nobody is counting (4!) The We-All-Suck-Too-Tired-To-Go-Out-For-A-Beer playa of the game is Jay/Tim for always finding the open man (woman). Peace out playas, Chippy

BECKY!!! There are babies over there!!

Hammers...WE SCORED 13 POINTS LAST NIGHT!!  It was amazing.  A thing of beauty really.  An absolute thumping of the All Odds squad with a final of 13-6 (I think).  And boy did they not enjoy losing.  I mean Tall-ee McTall started out as a cranky dude (see first play where he attempted to call a strip for a female teamate but she confirmed she simply just didn't catch the disc) but by the end of the night he was just done.  With his own teamates and definitely with us.  Oh and the Becky to Greg to Becky to Greg after a "your not in" call was the icing on the cake. 

But enough about them.  Let's relish in our victory and in the fact that we are seriously amazing this year.  Some (but not all) highlights from last night:

1. Armsy making the play of the year - the year I tell you - when she scooped the frisbee from the front of an opponent by simply reaching over her in the end zone for a point to us.  Amazing.  The lady I was standing beside could only say "huh, that's why you guys call her that isn't?"

2.  D-jean playing like a pro.  All game.  But specifically when he let sail the throw of the night from mid-field into the end zone (which was caught for another Hammer point) by reaching down beneath the guarding player's arm and sailing a disc up and curled in.  It was fucking amazing.  My jaw literally dropped.

3.  Becky making some amazing pulls and one not so amazing pull that led Colleen (guardian and lover of all babies and small children) to exclaim "no Becky...there are babies over there."  In fairness, Becky did try to take out the 2-3 small babies hanging out on the other team's sidelines.

4.  Anne of GG being a defensive genius and annoying the other team every single time he was on the field.  Oh and scoring a super nice point as well.

5.  Glutes and D-Jean showing just what Canadians are made of and both watching a disc fall to the ground for a turn as neither wanted to take the glory of catching it away from the other.  Despite the fact that both could have easily made said catch.  So sweet.

6.  AA making a leaping catch to grab said disc and stay in bounds in the end zone for ANOTHER amazing point.

Guys it was my favourite game of the year so far, and not just because we discussed after the game Lenny's pierced penis at the Ship Victory over TRUE victory fries.  In case you wanted to see the gif I was referring to, here is a link:

http://gawker.com/lenny-kravitz-shredded-so-hard-his-dick-fell-out-on-sta-1722016044

Ship Victory Joint Player of the Game honours go to Armsy and D-Jean.  Both plays outlined above would be on the TSN highlights of the night if rec Ultimate Frisbee was televised.  Which it clearly should be.  At least all Hammer games.

Love you all.

MK

Hammers vs Team Greg

Rock Paper Scissors Tuna and Tuna always wins is how the pregame speech went from D-Land, if I recall correctly.  Not sure this was that motivational but we really didn’t need a whole lot of motivation last night, with only 5 pink tuna’s on the field we called it a Hammers win and decided to have a little scrimmage anyway. 

Sally, Armsy and Black Guy (is that really Greg’s nickname!!???) quickly turned on the Bag of Hammers and joined Team Tuna (aka Team Greg) for the evening. 

Not sure if we are to blame for Black Guy not being able to fully show off his Ultimate skills each week but holy cow he was all over the field last night putting us to shame.  Michelle, you missed a great show from your hubby.  He was catching, throwing, intercepting, arguing, trash talking, and causing Team Tuna to lose all kinds of spirit points ;)

As Greg totally schooled us on the field we were out there having fun knowing we already had this game in our pocket.  Our passes were weak, our cutting was nonexistent, oh wait maybe I am just talking about how I was playing.  At one point as I threw the frisbee completely out of bounds I could hear Glutes yelling out to the team “we should have traded her!”.  Speaking of Glutes, how’s that shiner this morning? 

Highlights from the game:

• The handling skills from Double A while trying to make sure no one noticed his gaping hole in the arse of his shorts. Some suggested he just had his shorts on backwards
• Screech running it out making that epic long bomb catch in the end zone, scoring a well deserved point for the Hammers!
• D-Land’s amazing long bombs to Tim and Bunny before he had to quickly run off. Some say he might have had a bit of a bathroom emergency to deal with
• Glutes getting a frisbee to the face :) thank god you were wearing those sunglasses! I think that might of saved your money maker
• D-Jean/ Peltch getting our first point of the game and making that one handed catch from behind his back

Overall we had fun and cut the game short so we could get going on the after game drinks! We even invited Greg’s team out for beers.  If there is one thing I learned last night, it’s never play against a 6’3 girl when you are only 5’3! So glad Armsy is on our team and I never have to guard her again!

The chicken quesadilla, boneless buffalo wings player of the game goes to Double A from Bag of Hammers for his amazing runs and catches last night and to Greg from Team Tuna for his unbelievable game! We are expecting big things from Greg next week I tell ya!!

See you cats on the turf next week!

Captain  

Check Out This Wiener Dog Race

Ladies and gentlemen of the Bag of Hammers, I present to you my synopsis of last night's happy-go-lucky, scrambling loss... in cute dog gif form:

We were so very close. They were so very tall and fast. And there was so much jumping, flailing and falling down. *womp*

Highlights include:

• Big D (as in, defense) from Bunny and Jeeves;
• Endless sprinting and beautiful end-zone taunting from Anne;
• Big catches from Glutes and Partner/Handbags (which even caught the attention of the Chilly compliments dude committee); 
• Solid sideline cheering from an injured Cruddick; and
• The usual solid excellence, scoring prowess and enthusiasm from Chippy, Honey, Armsy and Tim.

Boston Pizza Thunder Mug (Pictured Below) Player Of The Game is Sally for so willingly and effectively handling in Coach and Captain's absence - and, really, everyone picked up when they needed to. We really, truly should have won. My apologies for agreeing to a conveniently early last point call (Captain wouldn't have done that). :(

Feel free to elaborate in the comments, team! See y'all (most?) next week at Lary Uteck...
-AA

The Curse of the Humpty Hump!

I can still remember as if it were yesterday: the blinding, warm sun hung low in the sky; the mild breeze carried the scent of deep fried miscellany across the Wanderer’s Grounds, where a total of six teams prepared to play two games (yes, WTTWD and Tuna got their times mixed up.. rookies!); and a wonderful mix of 80s and 90s hip hop soundtracked our every move.

And then we fucking destroyed the other team. Mercilessly. It was beautiful.

It could be argued, however, that the other team may have destroyed themselves, or were at least complicit to some degree in their own undoing. For one: their attendance was low (they were missing two of their stronger players). For another: over the course of one glorious extended version of the Humpty Hump, the red team (1) threw the disk straight into a female teammate’s face; (2) fought over an errant disk, causing one player to injure either her teammate’s knee and/or his testicles (depending on who you ask… personally, I say balls); and (3) lost a fourth player to a pulled a hammy after his 3^rd consecutive deep run, each of which was interrupted by the aforementioned injuries. It was a bloodbath…

…that we TOTALLY TOOK ADVANTAGE OF! That, and their terrible defense.

The highlights:

• The entire game… all of it…
• Jeeves’ confident handling and choreographed man coverage dance;
• Arsmy and Chippy being everywhere, seemingly;
• We just barely missed out on an epic Honey-Bunny point – which, no exaggeration, would have broken the blog; and
• Michelle directing Greg to show everyone his “bird”.

Really, everyone played well, most notably Coach Dan’s A-line, whom (who?) I believe scored the bulk of our DOUBLE DIGIT POINTS. Sticky hands and strong cuts by everyone – there was someone in the open every time I had the disk, and we advanced it very well. We may, MAY, be approaching peak Hammer, people. I had a hard time identifying a single player more worthy than another of the Lion’s Head Underwhelming-Yet-Free Bud Light Apple Player of the Game, but beer-y consensus says Jeeves and Armsy are more than deserving. Good job(s)!

On the topic of the Lion’s Head Underwhelming-Yet-Free Bud Light Apple “Beer Drink” (it the same way the Sunny Delight is a “fruit drink”), please see the Bag of Hammer acting skills here, wherein we pretend to enjoy our complimentary promotional drinks, along with the professionally friendly Bud server who requested the shot (for unknown purposes… likely a billboard thanks to our striking good looks and demonic red eyes)…

Until next week!

-AA

HONEY MUSTARD!

On your hot dog. In your end zone. All over your Dodgeballs.

Oh, Dodgeball – the general chill-ness of most of your team is consistently, utterly and completely undone by your inadvertently condescending earnestness, forced spirit and the explicit, raging douchery of no less than (by my count) THREE of your brethren. True, the “Iso-Lars” is no more, but the Froot Joose and the flagrant body contact and the questionable foul-calling persists. That said, even though it was far and away our most contentious game, and we ultimately lost, and Greg may have sustained a serious spinal injury on top of some horrible-looking turf-burn*, it was probably my favourite game of the year.

Whyfore? Well, let me count the ways:

• ALL THE HIGHLIGHTS… SO MANY HIGHLIGHTS!
• D-Land shamelessly going “skins”, I assume to intimidate the opposition;
• Greg (or maybe Partner/Handbags) flatly rejecting his loaner white jersey that reeked like turned milk and assholes, in favour of a small ladies tank top;
• Chippy’s epic 60-yard dash and lay-out to chase down a long put from D-Land (confirm?), which was ultimately unsuccessful but finished with a fearless, face-first porpoise dive – AND CHEERS!
• The consistent big D from Honey, and the subsequent confusion from the opposing benches (“Are they calling her Honey?” “They’re using code words!”);
• Jeeves silent Fuck You to Mr. Joose: angrily tossing the disk at his feet, mid-argument, after a particularly egregious out of bounds call;
• Related: Coach and Sally’s refusal to respond with extreme prejudice in the face of explicit, raging douchery (as noted);
• Tim’s flailing end zone decoy, which allowed a sneaky Jeeves to grab an easy point; and
• The elegant beauty of our penultimate score of the evening – Bunny to AA to Honey to D-Jean/Peltch – hitherto known as THE HONEY MUSTARD POINT!

But there were so many others I feel I am forgetting (please, amend in the comments!). Read, re-live, repeat – it’s Friday!

The Ship Victory Ironic Yet Surprisingly Appetizing Victory Burger Player of the Game goes, collectively, to Honey Mustard (i.e. Honey & Mustard, the D-Jean variety) for some serious elite-type performances. It was unanimous. Note that this is in addition to the WTTWD Beer-it Award to Captain Becky, which is at least the third time she has won the award from the Dodgeball team. We’ve concluded that they have a crush on you. Watch out Mike!

Next game is at the Wanderer’s Grounds. Apparently, despite the loss, we’ve improved quite a bit, so it should be a good one!

Kisses,

AA

*But seriously, Greg, hope your neck is okay!

Take A Look At Me Nowww

What a satisfying win, team – what character, poise, determination and (*consults sports thesaurus*) compete!

For the absent, know that we rallied back from an early three-point deficit to emerge victorious, thanks to the sage guidance of Coach and Sally, who had us stacking and cutting like we were a fucking Tier II team. We had many factors working against us, though, from the wind to the sun to the wonky end zones (all of which, for the sake of this shaky narrative, may well have been wearing red jerseys emblazoned with a dry Phil Collins joke), but they were no match for our collective belly-fire; see a triumphant Greg/Anne standing over a petrified 4’ female opponent, screaming with jubilation after having tipped the disk from her grasp in the end zone.

Speaking of highlights – oh, there were so many highlights. From Chippy’s hat-trick (yes, WE’RE BRINGING CHIPPY BACK, it was decided at the bar), to Honey’s REPEATED defensive disk spikes, to Coach’s field-long Hail Mary bomb to me in the end-zone (that I, um, dropped), to Sally’s highlight runs/scores, to Cruddick’s confident pulling and handling (tee-hee), to Glutes’ second-half heroics, to Anne’s speed, to Partner’s celebrity dong stories, to Tim’s cutting and Captain’s general awesomeness, and Bunny’s remarkable restraint when faced with the most prolonged minor foul discussion ever witnessed on a Frisbee field.  Man, we so deserved to win.

Lion’s Head Frigid Deck Burger Player of the Game, clearly, goes to Aimee/Chippy/Tartar/Doc/Sauce, for the aforementioned hat-trick and motivational spirit/rage, and despite her most inappropriate sideline language (earmuffs, Oliver!).

PS: It was brought to the council’s attention that Punter is a poor nickname for Colleen. Thus, upon some serious discussion, Colleen is now be-handled SCREECH – strictly for her NL heritage, and not the bar-stabbing, horrific sex-tape having, hideous man-child, Principle’s pet that is Dustin Diamond of Bayside High. For the record.

Whee!

-AA