Bag Of Hammers 2014: Mer De Noms

We came. We saw. We cupped. We zoned. We hammered. We conquered... (*mic drop*). A surprisingly well-spirited game and a very satisfying win, y’all – although somewhat less satisfying without a number of the more obnoxious Dodgeball players present to feel the HAMMER BURN. Maybe next time.

Last night saw both the welcome return of Jean and Michelle, who both played great, and the re-introduction of the Hammer Zone-D, with a cup comprised entirely of confused dudes (including myself). Jenn had a monster game, and was thusly rewarded by the purple guys with a big brown bottle of delicious craft beer. As far as I know, said beer remains un-drunk (word?), so we’ll have to pay this forward next week. To put a title on this, I hereby dub her the Armview Fancy Chilean Greens (w/ Pino Grigio) Player of the Game. Kudos! Shout-out also to the great Jamie-Jay chemistry on display. Whee!

But let’s get down to business. Last night we discussed nicknames, after it became obvious that the only way any of us can possibly ever address Jean in the future is as Dijon (or D-Jean, as in “great D, Jean!”), even if we only ever say the “D” silently to ourselves. Once it was evident how much Mr. Pelletier did not support this development,  the deal was, howdoyousay… sealed. Further, given our James/Jamie/Jay/Jean situation, we clearly need handles for EVERYBODY. So, with historical Hammer nick-provider Derek left unfamiliar with many of y’all,  Becky and I came up with the following:

• Becky – CAPTAIN, obviously;
• Jamie – TEALE, obvious and necessary;
• James – GREEN, also obvious and necessary;
• Jay – TIM, as he looks remarkably like ex-Hammer captain Tim, which leads me to call him “Tim” from the sidelines… so this should make things easier for me;
• Jean – DIJON/D-JEAN, as discussed… sorry, Jean;
• Dan – COACH, obviously, because he’s the coach;
• Aimee – CHIPPY, as in Fish & Chip…py (see here), because ”tartar” is kind of a gross word;
• Michelle – PARTNER, ‘cuz she owns a goddamn law firm (or part of one);
• Sandy – BUNNY, for no good reason, other than LOL;
• Chris – SHARKY, also for no good reason, unless you count my nostalgia for long-since-cancelled Fox Kids cartoons from the 90s (i.e. Eeek-stravaganza!)… which as far as I’m concerned is a fine reason;
• Aaron – DOUBLE-A, as dubbed by Derek when I joined the team, circa 2006 (note: I’m old);
• Nick – FLOUNDER, randomly, because I think it’s funny… and because Gluteous McGlutenfree is too long and suggests his defining personality trait is an inability to eat french fries… and because of Animal House;
• Jenn – SALLY, in reference to her car, in the most classic rock of manner (i.e. Mustang Sally… groan), and because “Benny” would be too lazy of a choice;
• Sanjeev – this is a tough one, as I see a solid 3 options: (i) NEW MIKE, as he is ~small and quick, and is essentially a “new Mike”; (ii) SAN-MAN, as offered by Becky, and may also be an existing handle (?); or (iii) JEEVES, the stuffy English butler, which is by far the easiest to say – which do y’all prefer? Help;
• Derek – D-LAND, as dubbed potentially by Derek himself, or maybe Tim (note: not to be confused with D-JEAN);
• Marie – EMINEM… Marie MacCormick… M&M… obviously; annnnnd
• Colleen – PUNTER, because newf!

You may only reject your handle if you can provide a better one. Sorry if I have offended anyone (srsly).

See yous all next week. Drive safe. Play safe.

-AA

Green and Teale (the team with way too many “J’s”)

As I was walking towards the field last night I was thinking the wind might make for a challenging game, but it actually worked in our favor! Draft Punk has always been a great team to play against over the years.  This year, unfortunately, they seem to have a pretty intense male player who was probably just pissed off because he was an idiot and biked to the field last night from the Halifax Shopping Centre .  Who does that!??? But to make up for the douche bag on the team they have a super funny guy who I think we all noticed and got a kick out of.  Draft Punk had the best “Three Cheers for the Bag of Hammers” cheer. The dudes laugh at the end was classic!

This week’s showing was so much better than last week’s showing.   We had two full lines of guys, a female sub and two adorable McAfee boys to cheer us on!  After a quick breakdown of the rules to the very new players of the sport and Chris being the Lawyer that he is requesting evidence that the theories of the plays really do work, we took to the field.  I am sure Colleen, James and Chris were thinking “what the hell did I get myself into”.  With ultimate lingo being thrown around throughout the game I am sure the newbie’s were wondering if we really were being forced home and having poached eggs after the game. 

We took a quick lead, Aaron rushing down field at lightning speed to get that first point of the game. We were feeling confident as we gave each other butt slaps on the line after the first point. Okay okay, maybe the whole butt slap part didn’t really happen but I wanted to give Aaron a butt slap after that amazing first point!

We have some very athletic players on the team this season.   Did anyone else notice Sandy and James high tailing it up and down the field numerous times throughout the game? I wasn’t sure if they were just racing each other or messing with their defender.   And Sanjeev and all of his many layout attempts.  Sanjeev told me last week he was still trying to get the grass stains out of his shirt from last year and after watching him play last night I actually believe that!!

We must have done something right when explaining the game because every single newbie on the team scored a point!  Our handlers (Jamie, Jen, Dan and on the odd occasion Jay) did extremely well handling the disc up the field despite the wind.   Cuts from Amiee , Aaron and Sanjeev were incredible leaving their defenders in the dust.

  

Next week we are playing the evil “Dodgeball” team. Aaron reminded us all of a few of their guys.  He particularly pointed out the dude who thinks he is all that with the pencil beard.  I will attach a picture of what he might look like this year so you can stay away from him next week ;)  It was also suggested that we all grow pencil beards this week and mock the dude lol. I will leave that up to you to choose but I am seriously considering it ;)

My only advice for next week’s game is to come out strong and do some dodgeball ball slapping!

If you didn’t notice we have a lot of names that start with “J” on the team this season so we thought it might be good to have some nicknames.  Especially when it comes to James and Jamie.  Last night Jamie said we can just call him “Teale” and we thought it would be appropriate to call James by his last name “Green”.  Once we said it out loud the whole table cracked up. Teale and Green. Now that is funny shit :)

The Armview, split the nachos nine ways, too much balls talk at the table, player of the game goes to… the three newbie’s of the sport!! Colleen Batstone, James Green and Chris Keliher!! What a great first showing from all three!  

See you cats next week! Expect for Colleen who is to cool for us and will be traveling to Brazil for two week to watch four World Cup games. Ya, we hate scraper already ;)  

Yours truly,

Becks

Self-Improvement Through Ultimate: Don't Be Afraid To Take A Dump

Back in my first or second year of university at Dal, my wife Terri worked part-time at an after school program at the Elementary in Porters Lake. On one particular Friday, I was to pick her up at work to head into the city for a then-standard night of binge drinking (ah, university!). Riding shotgun was a good friend, who – while perfectly nice – just happened to be that friend in any group who acts a little more badass than the rest. Like Donnie Wahlberg. He had the pierced tongue, the pierced eyebrow, always had a big bag of weed, and was the first to get a full sleeve tattoo. Y’know the guy…

Anyway, he serves no purpose to the story except to provide juxtaposition to the earnest preppiness of my wife, who was sporting her STAFF outfit and a purse full of gumballs when she climbed into the back seat of my grimy Civic hatchback. Shortly thereafter, somewhere between Mineville and Preston, she stuck her head in between the front seats and pulled an impressive Gene Simmons/Miley Cyrus tongue wag. And over the blare of the Faith No More or White Zombie or whatever it was, she said, completely innocently, in the exact tone and wide-eyed manner Mr. Dress-up or Barney would address a gaggle of 6 year-olds,  “Hey – my tongue’s purple. Is yooooours?!”

We still laugh about it to this day, and it is our go-to phrase whenever one of us comes across as overly condescending. My point? Well, I have started “coaching” my 3 year-old son’s soccer team, and have found that when I am addressing a group of people I tend to slip into my enthusiastic soccer Dad mode. So: (i) please be aware, and (ii) please tell me when this is happening!

BUT SERIOUSLY, FOLKS – it’s great to be back. I admit to being a little less than enthusiastic about the season starting up again – and first games are typically a complete shit show (browse blog to last year’s opening day) – but after watching those silver Hammer jerseys march up the field to nearly score on first possession, I was once again psyched soccer Dad. And, hey - Dan is back! We have some added skill and height in our arsenal with Jay (welcome, Jay)! No one got hurt!

The game itself: while we lost, we did so respectably – climbing back to within a single point by the end, and doing so with only one sub for the whole team. I like playing All Odds, as we seem to be comparable skill-wise, and the games seem to be relatively well-spirited despite:

• Me being completely railroaded by an overly aggressive/clumsy red dude;
• Said clumsy dude high-fiving me square in the face at the conclusion of the game;
• Me accidentally railroading a much smaller female as we both watch the disc fly overhead;
• Nick pummelling one of their larger dudes in a tight battle for the disc; and
• Jenn ripping the disc outta the hands of a red dude in the end zone for a score.

I love it. Of note: not a single foul was called. Maybe we should talk about this next game. J

Ravenscraig Responsible Adult No Beer Night Player of the Game: Aimee “Queen of the Circus Catches” Yazbek. Holy shit. Honourable mention: Jenn, for advising us not to be afraid to “take a dump”.

I never am, Jenn.

See y’all next week!

-AA

PS: If anyone hasn’t yet settled with Captain Becky, please do so ASAP.